The Results

Yep, there's a tumor in my left ovary. Though there's no way to tell what it is exactly, the good news is it doesn't look bad on the ultrasound. At least the surface is smooth, unlike the one that was in my right ovary.

My CA-125 is 34.91...... 0.09 u/ml away from breaking the safety zone. We did another blood test of CA-125 this time.

The CTscan also caught this tumor in my left ovary. The report warned that it might be cancerous, but Dr. Liu said the technicians might have over-diagnosed due to my medical history with ovarian cancer. Everything else in my abdominal cavity looked fine, and that was a relief.

The Worst Case Scenario

The doctor informed us of the possibility of having a second-look surgery to examine the tumor. After analyzing a frozen section of it, we'll know exactly what it is. If it's bad, the doctor will perform a total hyterotomy and I'll have to undergo subsequent chemotherapy.

We don't want to rush into having the second-look surgery. For the time being, we'll keep a close eye on the development of the tumor through blood tests and ultrasound every two weeks. I'll be on term break in 6 weeks, and we figured we could have the surgery then if we choose to. I know it's not too bad 'cause Dr. Liu was not nearly as nervous as the time he saw the ultrasound images of my right ovary. And that made me feel a lot better.

Where My Head is Now

I tried to imagine how I'd feel now if I hadn't gone through what I went through and realized there's no need to freak out. Even if it is bad, though it will suck a lot if I have to go through chemotherapy again, at least we'll be better prepared this time around. Worrying about it won't make it go away anyway.

Sleep

It's been a while since I last blogged. I wanted to write about my experience in the CTscan but haven't had the time/energy to do it. Recently, my life has been about working, hospitals visits, and going to class on weekends. Blogging has become a luxury. Sleeping has become a luxury.

Yes. I also have trouble sleeping. We know the brain reorganizes and files events and emotions while we sleep. I guess other brains are more considerate than mine and try to keep it down when they organize. Mine, strikingly similar to a broken VCR, repeatedly replays unpleasant events and ignored paranoia, and turns up the volume with every replay. Aside from the flashing imagery, the background sounds like a crowded restaurant where a lot of Kates are talking:

WhencanIfinishtheobservationreportWillIhaveenoughtimeto
puttogetheraquizbeforeclasstomorrowIdon'twannagothrough
chemoagainWhatisit'sreallycancerWhattimeisitnowwhatisthe
quiztomorrowanyhowIreallyneedtogetsomesleepIsthatmyleft
ovaryachingIsmyrelationshipgonnalastWhymeOhgetagripyou
bigbabyWhyamItakingthisclassHowcanIgetthesepeopletoshutup
AmIgonnabeabletohavemyownchildrenHowcanIfallasleepWhydo
Ifeelfaintpaininmytummy

I try to remind myself that what I'm going through is not the worst in the world. However, when you're wide awake at 3:48 in the dark with all your problems echoing inside your head, it pretty much feels as if your problems are the only and the biggest problems in the world.

Bill thinks this is only temporary, but I know it goes deeper than that. Bill also suffers from insomnia at times 'cause "I can't sleep when you toss and turn all night", so I've been coming out to the living room when I can't sleep.

Once upon a time, I couldn't understand how some people can't sleep. All my friends were amazed and jealous at my ability to sleep through anything anywhere anytime. "No big deal!" used to be in my lexicon. Just like what it says in a Chinese saying, "Even if the skies fall, there are always the tall people." I used to be more confident and easy-going. "At least I know I've tried. No regrets" used to be my motto. I try hard at things. If I succeed, great! If not, so be it. I surrounded myself with people I love and trust, and I ventured out to the world armed with their support. Now I've turned into this person leading this life living in this constant fear in this part of the world with these people around. I don't like it, but I don't know which part to change first and I'm frightened by the thought of changing it all at once (........ okay......maybe it is a little bit exciting..... the thought).

Welcome to The Sickies

It's 10 PM Thursday night. I just got home after a 12-hour work day, 8 of which were in the classroom. My voice is hoarse and my legs are about to go on strike.

When I got home, Bill was lying on the couch watching a documentary. He's been suffering from an ear infection and tonight, his entire body aches. His temperature's 37.2 Celsius. He doesn't have a fever.

I asked if he had fed Nuage while he was making himself a peanut butter jelly burrito, but he didn't react. I asked him again and this time, he turned and asked if I had said something. We soon realized.....

he couldn't hear what I said and I couldn't say it any louder.

Welcome to the sickies. We hope you'll stay and take care of both of us for a while.

I just made an appointment at Hematology and Oncology to have my catheter flushed out on the 23rd. I figured it might be better to get it done before the CT Scan. Just like how I chose Dr Liu to be my doctor back in November last year, I read the bios of all the doctors and chose Dr. Kao. He looks nice in his picture.

Endometriosis

My heart missed a beat when Dr Liu told me that my CA-125 had risen from 11.42 to 31.65 (blood taken on May 22nd). Chills ran down my spine and I got goose bumps on my arms. The doctor ordered an ultrasound right away and, in no time, I was looking at some black and grayish objects on the monitors: my uterus and the leftover left ovary.

I have a soft spot for my left ovary, same way that people might for a twin that has lost his/her twin. I’m proud of her for her swell performance, and I think it will break my heart should something happens to her as well. My doctor knows how I feel, so he didn't say anything during the ultrasound until he reached a prognosis.

“It might be endometriosis,” he said when we went back to his office. “We knew about it when you had the surgery.” Then he showed me his diagnosis on the doctor’s note of the surgery. “Basically it means that the linings of your uterus got into your ovary, which then caused the value of CA-125 to rise. However, the value of your CA-125 is still within the normal values, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.” My head was spinning at this point. In my head, I heard, “Is it cancer coming back? Do I have to go through chemo again? What about our plans to leave Taiwan? What about my job? What about my life?”

I blinked and decided to voice my concerns. “It’s definitely a possibility, but I doubt it.” I felt a tiny bit better, but then he continued. “Speaking of which, you might want to go have your catheter checked out and flushed out….. just in case if we have to use it again.” The idea of having my catheter flushed out brought back memories of chemotherapy, which in turn made my stomach turn. “Frankly, I think it’s endometriosis.” Dr. Liu wrote down the medical term on a piece of paper. “You can go home and read about it. Meanwhile, ….” he picked up another piece of paper, “Go down to Radiology and schedule for a CT Scan.” I saw that he was writing down the room number of Radiology. “I know where it is, Doc.” I stopped him. “I had to go there for X-Rays every time I came in for chemo.” I smiled.

For information on endometriosis, see
http://www.endometriosisassn.org/endo.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis

My CT Scan is scheduled for Tuesday, July 24th. My next appointment with Dr. Liu to see the result is on Tuesday, July 31st. Until then, I'll be busy subbing for Francis (a teacher who needs to have his gull bladder removed) and doing teacher evaluations.

COMMON SENSE WINS – Part One

My appointment with the lawyer at Taipei City Hall was at 11:30am Wednesday morning. Our appointment with the evil landlady was at 9:30pm that night.

I left home around 9:30am and got on the first bus I saw without checking the route. There was no one on the bus when I got on. The air con was blasting and the driver was having fun announcing each stop in a funny voice. It was quite amusing, actually, so I relaxed and started rehearsing what I wanted to say to the lawyer in my head. “I should find a Starbucks, have some coffee, and write things down before seeing the lawyer.” I thought. Then the bus made an unexpected turn. When I reoriented myself, I was pleased to discover that it was actually taking me toward the Starbucks closest to City Hall. “Maybe today, things will go my way for once.” I vaguely remember half-jokingly reading the weekly horoscope with Jeremy at work and it said Geminis would experience a change of luck from Wednesday and that matters involving the home would finally ease up. Let me tell ya, with the floods, apartment-hunting, and just general frustration from living in Taipei, it’s been tough on Bill and me and on our relationship. We could use a change of luck and some easing up on the home front.

At Starbucks, I spent half an hour watching a middle-aged couple setting up their wallet and clothing stand in front of the windows. I kept watching how, without exchanging a single word, the husband and wife built a mini store by stacking up a dozen shoe boxes and some metal frames. They seemed so calm and sure of what they were doing, but I kept wandering: How did they make the decision to make a living by standing on the side of the street in the unbearable heat of a subtropical summer? It’s gotta be tough to go home every day with your hair smelling like car exhaust, your feet swollen and sore, and your shirt drenched in sweat. I hoped they owned their house so they wouldn’t have stupid landlords to deal with on top of everything else. My wandering eyes then followed a young woman up the stairs of the overpass and I cringed and looked away when the four men at the table behind me started arguing about the color of her panties. Her jean skirt was way too short to walk up a flight of stairs! How could she not know this? If I had a daughter, I’d teach her these things. Annoyed by the men’s stupidity and the sudden upsurge of testosterone in the air, I left and headed to City Hall. I felt as if I had forgotten some things Bill wanted me to ask the lawyer, but I couldn’t think of any.

The lady at the Information Desk of Taipei City Hall was really nice and helpful, but she should really start carrying mints. I was exactly 30 minutes early for my appointment, but the lawyer agreed to see me right away. I told him about the leak and the floods. I told him we took pictures and made a list of damages. He explained the legal procedures for all possible scenarios. Then he started teasing me about the “foreign” accent in my Chinese, and he took over the piece of paper that I was taking notes on and wrote his cell phone number on it. “We’re not allowed to give out business cards here, but if you have any questions, you have my number.” “How do lawyers charge here in Taiwan?” I asked merely out of curiosity. “I won’t charge you anything if you just call for legal counsel.” Hmm….*flashbacks*….. Two doctors gave me their cell phone numbers during the time I spent in chemo therapy. Now I’ve got a lawyer’s cell phone number….. Maybe I should start a collection…… Better yet, maybe I should start a match-making service. “Wanna meet doctors and lawyers? Call 1-800-Kate-knows-some.”

COMMON SENSE WINS -- Part Two

“WEI?” Ou~ The landlord’s voice was so loud and crackly it hurt my ear. I could almost smell the alcohol in his breath.
“May I speak to Ms. Liu please?”
I listened to the flopping sound of his flip-flops on the floor and him passing the phone to his wife. It took a while until I barely heard a weak aspirated “Wei? Xin-hua (my first name in Chinese)?”
What’s wrong with her? Is she sleeping? “Hi, Ms. Liu. I’m on my way to the apartment. We’re still meeting at 9:30, right?”
She cleared her throat. “9….okay….9:30….. yes….” The same weak aspirated voice. I wondered if she was ill.
“Alright! See you there then.”
Something’s up or she’s up to something. Why can’t she just be normal for once? This woman really annoys the shit out of me.

When they showed up, her left ankle was wrapped in pungent Chinese medicinal goo and she shuffled her left foot on the floor. She stopped in front of us, looked down at her foot, looked up and gave us a “what can you do” kind of smile, half-expecting us to ask about it. We didn’t.

They walked around the empty apartment for a bit, and she said (still in that weak voice), “Okay, you have the keys? Why don't we make a note in the lease that you’ve received your deposit back. Let's write on the kitchen counter.” As soon as we got into the kitchen, she took out some money from an envelope and said, “I took the liberty to deduct $4,000 for the few days you overstayed…..” then she went on telling us what a rarity she is as far as landlords go. I tuned her out and, judging from the rising corners of her thin lips, I could tell she was really enjoying talking about herself. I turned to look at Bill. He was shaking his head beside me with a “Don’t be ridiculous” smile on his face. “No!” I said firmly, cutting off her self-indulging speech. “As far as we’re concerned, we don’t owe you anything.” There began the dispute.

She tried to blame us for the flooding.
We told her we had asked the plumbers for their names and phone number in case we need their statements.

She told us the amount the plumbers charged her.
We simply replied, “It’s none of our concerns.”

She told us the amount of money she spent trying to fix the roof.
We simply replied, “Yet it’s still not fixed.”

She tried to claim that she was honest about the ceiling from the beginning, so we can’t blame her for the leak.
We reminded her exactly what she said to us when we asked her about the ceilings before we moved in.

She suggested that we should be grateful because they didn’t have to come and help us clean the water.
We reminded her that they didn’t have to help, but they had the responsibility to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. And it did, four days later.

She wanted us to know how very tolerant and generous she was because we broke the contract and, by law, she could keep the deposit.
We told her that she was the one who broke the contract and if she really wanted to talk about losses, we have dated pictures of the leaks and floods, as well as a detailed list of the damage.

She raised her voice and said she wasn’t born yesterday and she had never seen a tenant like me. My behavior was no different from a thug. She said I might as well be robbing her clean while I’m at it (This is a very typical melodramatic Taiwanese thing to say).

Bill told her we’d not continue talking to her if she didn’t calm down and, in a flash, snatched the lease away from the counter. Ms. Liu didn't see that coming. She was left dumbfounded.

I told her that obviously we couldn’t reach an agreement so we should follow the legal process. I then informed her that she could expect to receive a formal legal letter of inquiries.

Then we headed out the door.

“Wait!” she came into the elevator with us and shut the door.

“This is why I don’t want to rent to foreigners,” she mumbled while we were on the way down.
I raised my voice and looked straight at her, “Ms. Liu, we will not tolerate comments like this. If you say another word along those lines, we’ll see you in court. End of discussion.”

She led us to her house to get the full amount of the deposit, but she forgot her keys. So we waited outside for her pickled husband to find his way home while being eaten alive by vicious mosquitoes.

After she waited for a while, she walked to the alley entrance to see where the hell her husband was. That’s when Bill noticed that she wasn't limping anymore. She was walking normal! Bill and I could only shake our heads. We just wanted the whole thing to be over.

She didn’t just give us the money without putting up a fight. Eventually, I made a note in the lease for the amount of money we received from her and the copies of our IDs. She signed in the lease for the return of two sets of keys and that the apartment was intact when we returned it. When we asked her to make a photocopy of that page with our signatures on, she folded the lease into thirds, trying to hide the record of our rent payments. We insisted that she photocopy the whole page, but she still folded away the dates. Something's fishy. This woman is so terribly frightened to face the law.

Well, little did she know, I had already made a photocopy of the lease. Her attempts to hide were simply a waste of time and energy.

It’s over. No crappy apartment and evil landlords. No more leaks and floods.

Yuan

“Yuan”, pronounced with a rising tone (as you would for “Huh?”), is the essence of interpersonal relationships in Chinese culture. While interpersonal relationships are seen more as a rational process and natural progression in Western ideology, the Chinese believe that there is a “force” that predetermines who we meet in our lives. More importantly, the length and quality of the relationship, as well as the result of the relationship, are also predestined. Hence, in long-term relationships, “liang2 yuan2” means a good one and “nieh4 yuan2” is a bad one. Similarly, a good short-term relationship is called “shang4 yuan2” while a bad short-term relationship is called “xuong1 yuan2”. “To have yuan” means to have the opportunity to establish/maintain a relationship with someone. If a relationship can’t or doesn’t continue, it’s because the people involved aren’t granted the chance to be in that relationship with one another any longer than its course. Instantaneous attractions between two people, such as “love at first sight” or “to hit it off right away”, can be explained literally as the result of people projecting their pre-endowed yuan at one another, which happens to match (“tou2 yuan2”).

However, the concept of “yuan” is not entirely pessimistic and passive. Because of its unforeseen nature, people have to actively expand their social circles and meet the ones they’re “tou2 yuan2” with so they can make more “shang4 yuan2” (good, short-term relationships). Once a “shang4 yuan2” has been established, they have to “xi2 yuan2” (to cherish such relationship) so that, hopefully it can develop into a “liang2 yuan2” (a good long-term relationship). If a “shang4 yuan2” doesn’t turn out the desired way, the people involved must “xue2 yuan2” (to follow its natural course) and accept the fact that this is all meant to be and there’s nothing they can do to change it.

The concept of “yuan” is one of the most fundamental beliefs in Chinese culture; it is also the most unexplainable and incomprehensible. It’s not difficult to speculate the origin of such concept through a quick peek into the history of China: When the Emperor was the person with absolute power and he was believed to be “The Chosen One”, it’d be much easier for the more ambitious Joes, often much more talented and intelligent than the Emperor, to believe their failures and misfortunes were the results of their less dignified fate. The average Joes soon realized they might never have a chance to sit in the Seat of the Dragon, they could become successful by building powerful “guan1 xi1” (roughly translated as “connections”) to get close to the Seat. In an agricultural society, which relies heavily on large man power and a stable social structure, harmony and cooperation among the people is of the ultimate importance. A person with lots of “guan1 xi1” is admirable and respected for his ability to maintain harmony and cooperate with others. A concept like “yuan” served, and still does, as a defense mechanism against the discomfort and conflicts that may arise in the “guan1 xi1” by taking the subjectivity and individuality out of it. It also conveniently ties in with Confucius’ teaching of humility (humbleness). If a relationship does work out beautifully, the people involved can’t take credit for it because it’s simply preordained. Likewise, if a relationship ends up being a disaster, it’s nobody’s fault. When conflicts arise, people in Western societies believe the best way to solve a problem is through communication and interaction. The Chinese, in comparison, are much more submissive and accommodating.

This is like a soul-searching black hole that sucks me in deeper with no end in sight. Originally I just wanted to tell you that we met up with our old landlords after having moved away for 6 months and now we’re moving back to the old apartment. See how far I've strayed and now I'll have to spend the day with the buzzing thoughts and ideas in my head.

In desperate need of a good night sleep.