Sleep

It's been a while since I last blogged. I wanted to write about my experience in the CTscan but haven't had the time/energy to do it. Recently, my life has been about working, hospitals visits, and going to class on weekends. Blogging has become a luxury. Sleeping has become a luxury.

Yes. I also have trouble sleeping. We know the brain reorganizes and files events and emotions while we sleep. I guess other brains are more considerate than mine and try to keep it down when they organize. Mine, strikingly similar to a broken VCR, repeatedly replays unpleasant events and ignored paranoia, and turns up the volume with every replay. Aside from the flashing imagery, the background sounds like a crowded restaurant where a lot of Kates are talking:

WhencanIfinishtheobservationreportWillIhaveenoughtimeto
puttogetheraquizbeforeclasstomorrowIdon'twannagothrough
chemoagainWhatisit'sreallycancerWhattimeisitnowwhatisthe
quiztomorrowanyhowIreallyneedtogetsomesleepIsthatmyleft
ovaryachingIsmyrelationshipgonnalastWhymeOhgetagripyou
bigbabyWhyamItakingthisclassHowcanIgetthesepeopletoshutup
AmIgonnabeabletohavemyownchildrenHowcanIfallasleepWhydo
Ifeelfaintpaininmytummy

I try to remind myself that what I'm going through is not the worst in the world. However, when you're wide awake at 3:48 in the dark with all your problems echoing inside your head, it pretty much feels as if your problems are the only and the biggest problems in the world.

Bill thinks this is only temporary, but I know it goes deeper than that. Bill also suffers from insomnia at times 'cause "I can't sleep when you toss and turn all night", so I've been coming out to the living room when I can't sleep.

Once upon a time, I couldn't understand how some people can't sleep. All my friends were amazed and jealous at my ability to sleep through anything anywhere anytime. "No big deal!" used to be in my lexicon. Just like what it says in a Chinese saying, "Even if the skies fall, there are always the tall people." I used to be more confident and easy-going. "At least I know I've tried. No regrets" used to be my motto. I try hard at things. If I succeed, great! If not, so be it. I surrounded myself with people I love and trust, and I ventured out to the world armed with their support. Now I've turned into this person leading this life living in this constant fear in this part of the world with these people around. I don't like it, but I don't know which part to change first and I'm frightened by the thought of changing it all at once (........ okay......maybe it is a little bit exciting..... the thought).