1.19.07 HSING-HUA

Hsing-hua is my Chinese name. The character “hsing” (pronounced xing) means heart, and “hua” means China. According to our family book, girls in my generation are the “hsing” generation, so I’m Hsing-hua and my cousin in New Hampshire is Hsing-yi. Growing up, I was under the impression that my name was unusual. Well, for starters, I had never met anyone with the same name. Also, people often guessed the wrong characters when they tried to write my name, which led me to believe that the combination of these two characters must be unique. It tends to be easy for people to remember my Chinese name, thanks to its uniqueness, I guess.

“Where are you going, Hsing-hua?” Nurse Crackyvoice poked her head up from behind the counter.
“Getting some lunch.” I felt guilty somehow.
“Where are you going to get some lunch? The cafeteria down in the basement?”
“Yeah….” It’s not like I’m going to run away from the hospital.
“How long do you think it’ll take? Half an hour?” What’s with all these questions?
I reconfirmed, “We’re not gonna start chemo treatment until….like, 2 or 3pm, right?”
“We’re going to do it this afternoon, so come back…in half an hour?”
“Okay!”

“Hey! Hsing-Hua! You’re here!” Nurse Mommy greeted me in the hallway leading to the elevators. She had already gone pass me when she suddenly turned around, “Where are you going?” Why do they all ask me the same question? “I’m going to the cafeteria in the basement to get some lunch. I’ll be back in half an hour.” Here! Every piece of information you might want in two sentences. Nurse Mommy smiled, “You’re always running around when you’re here. That's why I asked where you were going. Be back in half an hour, okay?! We’re gonna prep you for your chemo.” She's such a mom.

I took my time getting a vegetarian lunch box and a grande Hazelnut Latte. After that, I strolled into the bookstore, mindlessly browsing through the book shelves and art supplies. “Hsing-hua! What are you doing here?” Who could it be this time? I impatiently swung my body around. My resident was looking right at me with a box of blank CDs in one hand and his cell phone in the other. We had just met for the first time yesterday and he remembered my name already? What's his name again? “I came to get some lunch.” I raised the lunch box in my hand and waved it in front of him. Oh, no! This is the bookstore! I added, “I wanted to get a book for this afternoon. You know… once chemo starts, I have to stay in the room and all.” I showed him my teeth (a dry smile). He didn’t look amused. “Well, you should get back to your room. I was just on my way there to insert the catheter.” You were just on your way there, huh?! Nice try, young doctor.

Before heading back to my room as the doctor ordered, I made a detour to the convenience store for some snacks and drinks. Chocolate worked wonders last time I was here, and I might get a magazine as well. I was checking out some tabloids when I saw the resident heading toward the store. “Oh! Shit!” I made a beeline to the cashier counter. “I’ll see you upstairs, Ms. Chang.” The resident’s voice came from behind me. I nodded like a bobhead doll on a bumpy road.

Back on the 5^th floor by the nurses’ station, Nurse Mommy called out “Hsing-hua!” as soon as she saw me. “I know! I know!” I said as I picked up the pace, “I’m going to my room now.”

I’ve been in my room like a good girl for over an hour. The saline is here, but my resident is nowhere to be found. Nurse Crackyvoice and Nurse Mommy have both poked their heads in to see if the catheter was inserted (or to see if I’m here). He’s in so much trouble he doesn’t even know it.