The Roller Coaster... Again

I fell asleep on the couch after we got home from Dr. Magichands office. When I woke up around 4pm, all hell broke loose.

I was so angry.
I never did anything to harm others, yet I feel like bad things keep happening to me. Okay, even with unfortunate things knocking down my door, I've always tried to keep a positive outlook on life. I've also overcome all the obstacles along the way with determination and hard work. I always believed "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stranger". If we go with the analogy in Chinese culture, that "difficulties are the tests of life", I've passed a good number of tests so far and my reward is another obstacle waiting straight ahead.

That was the past, and now I can look back at it with my middle finger pointing upward and go, "HA!"

Since the diagnosis of ovarian cancer, I feel like someone is on a mission to destroy me. Whatever "problems" I encountered before, I was always able to "fix" them. Though there were a few bumps on the road, I was able to get what I wanted at the end. But the possibility of not being able to have my own children really hits the core, and the thought of it is simply unbearable. I've always wanted to go through the whole pregnancy thing and become a mother. I started having a recurring dream in which I was waiting for my kids to come home from school with cookies baking in the oven in a little white kitchen at 13, when I became fertile. It's a part of my identity, the purpose of my existence. Then I got cancer in the ovary, the source of fertility. Not only did I lose one ovary, my only good one may not be fully functional. As Dr. Magichands said yesterday, "The AMH result will tell us if it's even worthwhile to go through IVF." He was preparing me for the worst: my only hope may not be worth the effort. And I can't fix it. There's nothing I can do that will change the outcome.

I so desparately want to come out of the other end of this dark road laughing with my middle finger pointing straight up.

p.s. In case you're wondering why I haven't sought support or help, I have.
The Chinese ones are only successful cases. After all, can you imagine a woman advertising her infertility on the Internet in a Chinese society? The only responses she'll get are messages to her husband to dump her and get a younger one.
The English ones are a bit too girly for my liking. Just go to any infertility support forum and see for yourself. Those women speak in codes and the little flashy animated emocons made me wanna throw up. Also, I couldn't find anyone I could relate to. They're either younger than me, or they're my age already with 2 kids but wanting more.