Happy Anniversary
Join me on the emotional roller coaster, will ya?
November 15, 2006 - I was told my right ovary needed to be removed.
November 18, 2006 - right ovary removed.
November 21, 2006 - I needed chemo therapy.
November 23, 2006 - Porta catheter installed.
December 01, 2006 - Chemo treatment began.
November 07, 2007 - Porta catheter removed.
November 13, 200 7 - my doctor suggested a second-look surgery
I've been wondering how I'd feel when November 15, 2007 comes around since it all started. I thought I'd be happy at least. I joked about what I'd do on the one-year anniversary of my initial surgery. I thought it'd all be over.
Well, it's not over and it seems never-ending. Trust me. I, too, want to get back to living a "normal" life, but I don't know how 'cause I'm no longer the same person I was before it all started. What's normal anyhow?
Words of Encouragement on Most Websites for Cancer Patients & Survivors:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Thanks. I'm still waiting to feel invincible.
"You're more than the scars cancer has left behind."
Scars on my body are fading, but how long does it take to rid the ones on my mind?
"Everything will be okay."
Um... thanks.
Almost all websites say it. It's started to feel like nothing more than just a thing to say.
Sadness and anger and frustration and confusion are easy to deal with, but what I hate the most is feeling as if I've disappointed anybody.
I'm sorry that
I didn't charge forward to the OR like a fearless warrior when the doctor was talking about the second-look surgery.
I didn't vow to embrace life with everything I've got from here on now.
I didn't start drawing up plans for the future and be all chipper and optimistic about it.
I'm not as tough as you thought I was.
On top of this, I also feel like a big fat loser 'cause
it was only one ovary
it was only stage one cancer
it was only one round of chemotherapy
it was only one abdominal surgery and it wasn't even on a fatal organ
Most of all, I've failed myself, and that is the hardest thing to make peace with.
Dramatic?
No kidding!
And that was just a glimpse of the battle inside my head.
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On top of this, I also feel like a big fat loser 'cause
ReplyDeleteit was only one ovary
it was only stage one cancer
it was only one round of chemotherapy
it was only one abdominal surgery and it wasn't even on a fatal organ
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AND IT WAS ONLY ONE YOU!!
IT WAS YOU!!!! ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE, ONLY YOU THINK THE THOUGHTS THAT YOU THINK, ONLY YOU FEEL THE FEELINGS THAT YOU FEEL, ONLY YOU FEEL THE ANGER THAT YOU FEEL, ONLY YOU FEAR THE THINGS THAT YOU FEAR, ONLY YOU HOPE THE THINGS THAT YOU HOPE, ONLY YOU MOURN THE THINGS THAT YOU MOURN, ONLY YOU. IT IS A LONELY PLACE WHEN YOU ARE ILL.
BUT......KATE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I CARRY YOU IN MY HEART, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS EVERYDAY.
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Most of all, I've failed myself, and that is the hardest thing to make peace with.
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KATE, YOU DID GO THROUGH THIS, YOUR FEELINGS WERE VALID, YOUR ANGER WAS VALID, YOUR FEAR WAS VALID, YOUR HOPE WAS VALID, YOUR MOURNING WAS VALID...........BUT YOU DID IT!
KATE, YOU DID NOT FAIL. YOU ARE HERE! YOU HAVE EXPRESSED YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEARS TO US OVER THE LAST YEAR AND WE HAVE COME TO LOVE AND ADMIRE YOU.......YOU DID IT!
Kate -
ReplyDeleteYou have been my hero through all this! Yes, complete with all the fears and doubts. I would think you were a complete alien if you HADN'T had all the thoughts and feelings you had. Nobody is disappointed in you! Are you serious?! What have any of us gone through that's even close to what you're dealing with? And how did you fail yourself? You've been completely honest with yourself and with the whole universe on this blog. That takes courage, my friend, COURAGE. I agree with Donna. Everything you've felt is valid. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. And know that we all love you and have been rooting for you every step of the way and will continue to do so.
dear...i am glad to have known u for all these years! we don't always get to see each other, but we are always there through moments needed...it's been a tough year for many people i know, including myself...i came here to read u every once in a while when i remember to, and i cried every time... but funny thing is, i don't think i cry because of what's happening to u, but instead, i cry because difficult things happen in our lives and we hardly find chances to let emotions out until we see honesty like this...
ReplyDeleteall that you feel i do too...but we are facing completely differnt lives at this moment...
why are we feeling that we have failed ourselves when we have already been so strong in making it work?!
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"i am one, but still i am one;
i can't do everything but still,
i can do something...
and since i cannot do everything,
i will not refuse to do the something i can do."
it's a quote i decided to put on my "for fun" business cards...
hope this works for you too!
with much love, EJay
Nobody can really'know' ones own feelings (strangely enough) unless they are shared . They can't be known unless they are thought about, churned like milk to butter. Even in the expression of them there is change because it has been expressed, even if it is only to oneself. It's almost as if there is a brightening or darkening of our thoughts and emotions (depending on how one faces adversity and that too is slave to the day, sometines even the moment...as you know)
ReplyDeleteIsn't the FACT of the one year anniversary worthy of note? The fact that one is alive and able to love, laugh, be pissed off, cry and share is worthy of of note? Life will never be like it was 'before'! Maybe it will be better from the standpoint of how one relates to others and, almost more importantly, how they relate to you. Let yourself 'be' for the moment. We can ONLY live in the moment. Nobody has any guarantees about the length, quality, or control over circumstances that seem overwhelming to each of us individually or the fear of 'something' coming upon us. Life is.
If one believes (he's not the tooth fairy but Creator of everything) in God at least one's faith (I'm talking about consciously born, fed, excercised, trained, growing and muscular) comforts with something beyond understanding. You either know what I am talking about or you don't. Nothing to brag about it, it just is or is not.
There is not another human being who has power over our inner being except as we allow. If you have had no comfort so far and you truly desire it, ask Him. It's not just the comfort either it's that Christ comes into you heart at your request. There are no formalities except as you work out your own salvation in fear and trembling...even as we do with people we fall in love with. But He is the lover of your soul and is a very tender lover too.
I hope you don't take this as too weird but it was a serious question you asked, non?
Best regards and wishes for continued healing.
ab
how can i help? want me to give you one of our famouse "come on, kate, use ur logical half of brain" talk? i'd love to call and feel needed by you again. (this is a joke btw.)
ReplyDeletei don't think i need to say more with all the comments above. couldn't have said them better anyway.
okay are you kidding me? you disappointed no one, failed no one, instead you inspire many (uh hello present tense!). it may sound like blah blah blah since it is true that until you're in one's shoes you can't know how it feels... so yes let's cut the crap. you are not the same person post-cancer, and you'll never be able to go back, but we all love you (and yes you're lovable) just the same, if not more - whether you're happy, sad, grumpy, angry, stupid, unfair, or... just being a gemini. YES I SAID IT, and you know it!! But really, at the end of the day there's a shit load of people who care A LOT about you, and please, please, do not think for one second that you didn't get through this and then feel "the way that you're suppose to"... what is that and where did it come from anyway?
ReplyDeleteuh, this post is meant to be encouraging in some way, REALLY!!! Erik says hi too... oh okay he didn't say hi, he said "what's the happs" -- he insists he did not make it up -- and he gives you a pinch in a tickle, whatever what means... ask Bill.
xoxoxo
y + e